23 Pages by Kelvin Romero

I was born on a Monday so I could get right to work. June 3rd 1996, lately I have a problem, I think we all have trying to find a purpose in life. I focus on this so much I overlook all the beautiful things life has to offer. 23 years old now but it feels like 23 years of living with a stranger, there's just so many different versions of me & here are 23 reasons why.

·        Love, this was the first thing I experienced from a baby, but love evolves into different kinds of love as you grow older. I'm an asshole and I’m horrible at love I’ve made every girl in my life feel like she’s mine and no one else's only for my own selfish and insecure needs.

·        Family, we don't get to choose them but it seems like in my family you get to choose who you speak too. We all hold grudges but, in my family, grudges are like jail sentences they turn into months and years. I’m guilty of this two I’m a deadbeat cousin and brother I’ve always wanted the best but always so caught in other things it wouldn't kill me to pick up the phone.

·        Revenge, one of the worst feelings I ever felt in my life having someone I loved literally doing something with intentions of hurting me broke me down mentally. I knew I deserved it but this opened my eyes I don’t think I’d ever love that blindly again.

·        Depression, I make myself feel this when I overthink texts, people's intentions or listen to break up music. My past follows me like a rainy cloud filled my childhood memories and all my regrets. I fall into holes when I give people so much of me because you affect my whole mood.

·        Death of Waldo, my cousin who shares my same birthday is the reason I cry every birthday morning. I wish we’d never left Florida maybe things would be different; I still remember getting the news after a game I had. I’ll never forget how you notice I hated being home so you always picked me up played ball with me never judged me, up all night looking up cheat codes to GTA on that PS2. More than my cousin, my brother, my blood, and my best friend I love you.

·        Teenage Rebelling, we all do this but I was way too hard on my mom, not realizing she was doing her best. I can't imagine how hard it is for a woman to raise a man, this spilled out into my personal my life and what kind of example did I set for my younger siblings showing up drunk to school, fighting all the time and smoking.

·        Lies, the number 7 is someone's lucky number and I made it Lies because I’ve hurt that person the most with my lies. Life is hard is the excuse we all want to use when we just don't know what to do. Who the hell did I think I was having secrets and lies? I know I could never make it better but I try now to be straight up with the people in my life. You didn't deserve someone who loved you halfway.

·        Breaking Hearts, 8 is also important but she probably won't catch the 8 reference. I have had the worst luck with love as a man I’ve failed way too many times. You were right I do remember things from my point of view and not yours. I can't believe I put you through everything and I couldn't forgive you for one thing.

·        Impulsive Behavior, I tend to react to thing quickly not noticing who I might be hurting. There's so much power in our words I was just never taught to speak with love and care, I was taught to say what was needed.

·        Woman, I’ve always looked for the love my mom didn't give me in the women in my life, I see now this is wrong, I give that person so much power over me. None of you should have to take care of me like that I do have to thank all of you from family to relationships all made me the man I am today.

·        Second Options, “I got this 11 tatted for someone else and now it’s yours” I’ve always had 2 or 3 options in my life, I was taught by older man that's manly. Till I became your second option and then I realize how much damage I’ve done in my past. We always say we never mean to hurt people but in all games there's a loser and a winner. All's fair in love and war is what they say till you're the one on the other end.

·                    Addictions & Bad Habits, no one ever wants to say they are really addicted but I can. Alcohol has controlled my life and the people around it; no one is perfect. I'm not proud to say that as a kid I’d never thought I’d have these problems.

·         Success & Failure, I’ve learned that life has momentum one thing goes right and then the next one comes right after. One thing goes wrong though and the other won't be too far behind. We all ride these waves big or small but they’re just that waves all things come to an end.

·         Friends & Assholes, yes, we all have friends but some are just that and some are like family. Don't be scared of cutting people off eventually you drift off anyway and sometimes even friends need space.

·                    Pride, damn things only happen in this life because of woman and money. That pride could kill a man. Too prideful to cry, to show emotions, to let things go, nah we have to flex our power whether physically or verbally.

·                    Not Acting My Age, I’m at Coro’s with my friends as teens and they go home to their moms I go home to a room I rent. I've never had the privilege of messing up and it force to act older.

·         Overthinking and Missed Opportunities, I self-destruct when I feel something feels funny. I over think that little joke you think I didn't hear. Which leads to me not having patients, which leads to missed opportunities because my guard goes up and there's no bringing it back down. I'm in my head questioning all motives because I can't let anyone mark my heart again.

·                    Letting Things Go, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do I’ve held grudges my whole life towards my parents for treating me the way they did. Towards my friends to for having everything I ever wanted. This affects who I am, I thought I was over these things but I just push them to the side and showed it in other ways. I’m not angry anymore I just won’t let myself be hurt or open up and it wasn't till recently I notice this the grass isn't always greener on the other side. To whom it may concern I’m working on this but for my well-being.

·                   Accepting My Wrongs, saying I’m sorry seems like it kills people to say it sometimes. I'm man enough to say sorry for treat women the way I have. I'm sorry for growing up to soon. I'm sorry for lying about my feelings. I'm sorry for ever thinking my family wasn't trying their best. I'm sorry to friends if I missed a phone call or a birthday. I love you all and the man I am today is all because of you. I leave you with my favorite Drake lyric “trying to satisfy everybody it's like they can’t get enough, until enough is enough and then it's too much”.

§  Kelvin Romero Jr

§  Never looking back 24